the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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