fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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