Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
