There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
