Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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