If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I want is dick and wine.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
