your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
