at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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