The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
