how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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