yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
