How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
