Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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