Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
