I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
