I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
