member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
