this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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