1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
