She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
