can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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