i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
