my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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