He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
