I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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