if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
