My cat gives me a boner
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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