quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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