Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
