It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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