OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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