so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
