I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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