Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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