i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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