The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
