I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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