i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
