Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
