I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i believe in u and ur pee
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
