great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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