I feel like abortions should bother me more
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
