If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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