Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
