I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
