U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
