i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
