I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
