I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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