I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
